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What's this? Why'd you call it- no, Sirius, stop I-
[ there's a pause, sounds of a struggle and what could probably pass as a triumphant laugh. ]
Right! Name's James Potter. 'pparently you can leave things here for me to read later? Brilliant.
Uh, what am I even supposed to say?
Wait, no, this is my bloody-
[ and the feed is cut off. blame sirius. ]
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Guess that makes sense why Guinevere's here too.
[ So maybe James didn't mention running into someone named Guinevere before he found Lily. Didn't mention the horribly awkward interaction where James was naked and some poor girl helped give him a towel, told him where the lockers were, called herself Gwen. Just thinking about that makes him laugh, a little hollow, and rub his hand behind his neck. Back up through his hair. It's a nervous tick of his, something he picked up during their first couple of years of schooling. His eyes move away from Sirius when he mentions Gwen, thinking it a little awkward, before they come back.
And suddenly they're looking at each other again, and Sirius wants to talk. Actually talk. Whatever ghost of a smile he might have had before drops a little at that, just because damnit pads. A little late, don't you think? ]
What more is there to talk about? Lily and I die, Harry survives, you're blamed, Pete-- [ He cuts himself off, swallows, resets his jaw. No matter how many times he tells himself it happens, he reminds himself that they're not lying and this is how it goes, it doesn't get any easier. ] 'less I missed something?
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[He nearly talks over James at the end of that, too loudly; he takes a step forward, like he's stating his case before McGonagall or something, instead of just James.]
All of it, we were going to tell you all of it, but it wasn't-- Merlin, James, I wasn't going to just throw it at you when you'd first arrived here-- [And, selfishly, he'd wanted James for himself. He hadn't wanted him divided--by grief, by fear, by the future, by Lily Evans--] --but I was going to tell you and if I hadn't gone off with Merlin I would have done it straight away, I swear.
And we're going to fix it. [He's filling in the silence now, he's talking too much and he knows it, but he can't stop, he can't leave a gap where James might get a word in, or even look at him, really look at him--] We're going to work out how to stop it from ever happening. We know loads more now than we ever would have, we can stop all of it--hell, James, even Merlin said he'd help us-- it's not going to happen, not any of it.
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[ The more Sirius talks, the more he brings up and steps towards him and talks over him makes James want to react back. It's more like them, the talking and yelling and what have you. Closer you are the harder you fight, and when Sirius spouts his reasons - and damn him, damn him to hell for making sense - James just wants to yell. ]
When? Right when you got back? 'Oh, hey mate, listen I've got something to tell you--' [ James wants to scream. Sirius took a step forward and James would match it, would step forward as well, close the distance, but he doesn't know if he can. And maybe his voice cracks a little, shakes a little, the louder he gets; but he doesn't really care. It's a battle of seeing who can speak louder, and by default whose words mean more. ] I ran into my bloody son, Sirius! And he didn't even want to tell me because it would upset you lot?
[ it's not fair it's not fair it's not fair. It's not fair because it's not Sirius' or Remus' fault. If James had been given the chance, he probably would have done the same, and that's the worst part. Because he would have done it to protect his friends, and he hates thinking that he needs protecting at all. That he needs to have his hand held. Kept in the dark because who wants to know they have three years left to live? Who wants to know that they get married and have a house and a family and a life and it's cut short before it's even started? And then your best friend is blamed, has his life ruined, because everyone thinks he did it?
But then Sirius is on to fixing it, about how they're going to make sure it doesn't happen, and James' hands fall back down to his sides from where they'd been moving around, punctuating his words. They fall to his sides and clench into fists and his eyes fall with them. They're going to change it. Of course they're going to change it, but for some reason it doesn't help the knots in his stomach.
When his voice finally comes out, after sitting there in silence for a few moments, it's quieter. Clipped, strained even, but quieter. ] We have to save Lily. She can't die because I- [ he inhales through his nose. ] She can't.
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[But as soon as James' tone drops, as soon as he looks down and steps back, Sirius takes another step toward him, eager to bridge the gap between them. Anything is better than fighting with James, anything--if he can offer him we'll do something, if he can offer him a plan, anything--]
We'll--
[Lily. It's mad, talking of her when all he's thinking of is James. Yes, of course, they'll save her as well, but it's James that comes first to his mind, as stupid and selfish as it is. He looks down as well, his mouth twisting a little.]
You can't either. It's not just her, James. [He doesn't want to think any more on what comes for James, he can't think of it, or say it--] We're going to change it, all of it. I swear.
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When Sirius steps forward, James doesn't move. Doesn't step back. He can't really think about shying away when all he's thinking about is Lily dying because he couldn't save her. Couldn't save any of them. Sirius' voice makes him finally looks back up, but only because how can you talk about saving me when lily--.
They weren't all going to make it any way. James knew that. With the war looming and students picking sides it was all just a matter of time before it all came down. But if someone was going to die, he'd rather it be him. That way it could them the rest of them a chance, a few seconds to get out of there. But if he pulls his family into this? A family he doesn't even have? Pulls Sirius down with him? Worse than him? ]
How can you be so sure of all this? That we can even- [ his eyes move up to the ceiling just for somewhere else to go. somewhere where it won't hurt as much when he laughs, when it sounds like a cough. ] Merlin.
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[He's set to answer, and then he hears that laugh, and it's like--
Look, to Sirius, there is no one anywhere that matters as much as James. Everything starts and stops with James. And he couldn't point to a specific instant and say here, yes, here's where that happened, it was more one minute they were first years, swaggering around, showing off for each other, and then suddenly they're places like here, on the brink of the awful future, and James' laugh has that little catch in it and he knows what that means, because he more or less knows everything about James, because that laugh opens something deep in him and that's it, then, he moves forward and closes that distance between them, grabbing for James' shoulder all at once, swift and decisive and hard, because what else does he have? Because if he stops himself, he'll have to give in to the hot feeling building behind his eyes, and he can't.]
Because we're going to change it, because we have to. Because I'm never letting anything happen to you, and if there's anything to do then I'm going to do it. [There's no choice in it, and he's not going to stop and think maybe it won't work because it will, if he has to will it into being then he'll do it. Because being without James is empty. He's had some small taste of it here, but at least James was out there somewhere. This is different, this is never going to happen, and he grips hard at James' shoulder and forces his voice steady.] It's not going to happen that way, James. I'll swear on whatever the hell you like, I'm not letting it happen.
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That's what it all falls down to, isn't it? What the knot in his gut really means? Because they can talk big all they want - going out with a bang, staring fate down to the last moment. They can learn to change shape so they can run with werewolves and they can sneak off into the parts of the castle that scare even professors, off into the deepest parts of the woods, they can tempt fate and fight fire and dream of one day fighting a war that will solve everything. Make everything better. Fight to the death, wasn't it? The only real way to go.
But James had always thought...well. He didn't know what he thought. But it wasn't this.
Sirius grabs his shoulder and he drops his eyes to him, breathes through his nose so he can keep his jaw clenched, press down on his teeth in hopes that maybe the pressure will keep him from shaking. Sirius grabs his shoulder and James meets his eyes and there's no distance between them, leaving James feeling open. Exposed. But even that thought makes him want to laugh because of course it's Sirius. Of course it's his best mate who is going to watch him fall apart. They match each other with bravery and inspiring speeches and here is James, flimsy and fraying.
But he sounds so sure and James wants to believe him. He really does. Which is probably why he reaches up, grabs Sirius' wrist with his hand and just kind of looks at him. Looks at his best mate, who has known this. For a while now, and for a brief moment James tries to imagine knowing something like this about Sirius, knowing this kind of future, and having to carry it. It tightens his chest almost as much as the actual information had and James can't imagine having to go day by day like that. He'd have gone crazy.
Maybe he still will.
After a moment, James lets out a sigh, his shoulders sagging a bit. ] Damnit, Pads. [ A deep breath, wanting to shake his head, make some half-assed attempt at shrugging this off with a joke and going on their way. But he knows Sirius would see right through him. Right through anything he'd try to pull. ] Okay. Okay, yeah. You're right. There's got to be a way, now that we know it all.
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[He mutters it; it comes out thin and strained, forced out from clenched teeth and jaw--he knows, of course he knows, without James saying anything more than dammit. He could identify nearly every tick of James' eyebrow and twist of his mouth, he hardly needs words to tell him what James is thinking. But he keeps his hand firm on his shoulder--he grips a little firmer, even, like he's going to hold him up when really it's as much for his benefit as it is for James.
Because he has to know that he's real. He has to remember this: Sirius and James against the world, against fate, against everything. The two of them together, just the way they'd always said they would be, in jokes and in deep conversation, in shouts and in whispers--together, they can face it down.
--And if it does happen anyways--which it won't but if it does--he'll need this moment more than anything. And suddenly, stupidly, he feels his throat close up and that heat behind his eyes gets worse than ever, and he stares down between them, down where their feet are practically entangled, that's how close he is to James--and he lets go of his shoulder only so he can pull him into an embrace, just as fierce as his grip had been, holding tightly to him. His eyes fix furiously on one point over James' shoulder and he swallows, hard, until he's ready to answer.]
There's a way. We're-- bloody hell, James, we're the Marauders, there's nothing they can throw at us that we can't take, right? [Only Marauders includes Peter, too; he can't think of that--] We'll kill Voldemort, we'll remember everything and we'll tell it to Dumbledore and none of it is going to happen. If anyone can do it, it's us.
[But, still, he holds to James a moment longer, until he's managed to get control of himself, until his voice sounds less watery and stupid--and then he steps back, still gripping at James' arm, not yet ready to give up some small contact with him.]
All right?
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If there's one thing he can believe in, above anything else, it's Sirius.
They move almost in tandem at that moment, pulling Sirius close and just as tightly and holding his eyes shut with his face in his shoulder. The last time they embraced like this it'd been James - James pulling Sirius in, James fixing things. It was a role he was used to having, because that was something he could do. This? This was different, and James just tries to keep himself from clinging while still holding him close, while calming himself down. And then then Sirius is talking about the Marauders and James can't help but smile a little, thinking back to when they came to call themselves that. The years they've had. And maybe it's not so crazy - killing Voldemort and changing the future - when Sirius says it like that. Maybe they really can do it, because the Marauders can do anything. It doesn't even register that the Marauders includes Peter - Peter - and James just lets himself believe. ]
Always did want to kill that wizard, and now we have even more of a reason. [ When they pull apart he can still feel Sirius' hand on his arm, and it gives something for James to hold onto, himself. Something that gives him the strength to nod, to trust himself enough not to collapse. ] Just another impossible mission for the Marauders. Just another day.
[ And he does feel better. Not completely, not good, but better. There's still a weight on his shoulders and he wonders if that'll ever actually go away, but at least for now he can stand with it. ]
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[They might be lying to themselves a little--but perhaps the more they lie, the truer it will become, until they can convince themselves utterly. Or nearly utterly, Sirius would take that, even. Better that then thinking about a future that might not come true.
Because they can change it. That's what everyone has said, and they can't all be lying to themselves. And there simply can't be a world where James dies and Remus is alone. It's not allowed. So he grins, faintly, at James, and claps him once more on the arm before he takes a tiny step back, reestablishing the normal distance between them. (Though really, normal is relative, they're as like to be found collapsed on each other like puppies as they are standing apart.)]
I mean, first things first, right. We have to work out how to get back to Hogwarts in the first place. And all the time in the world to plan until then--not that we need it, not us. [They worked out the animagus spell in just a few years! They made the Marauder's Map! If anyone can do this, it's them, and some of that bravado comes back to Sirius as he studies James.] And weirdly enough, we've got your son to tell us what to do, which, good work there, I s'ppose. Weird. But good work.
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Never thought he'd have to be the one to believe the lie, but there's a first time for everything.
Sirius gives him a grin, and James just grins back, acting like he's shrugging off the pat because please. They're past all that now. He's accepted it and moved on and it doesn't matter that they didn't tell him - not really - because it's not going to happen. James' eyes fall to the space between them again, trying to swallow back the fact he still doesn't know if he's got this, if he can just move past this, before it's onto the plan. The steps. Things they can do differently. That's something he can think about, latch onto. ]
Depending on how long we're here, we might still be out for summer. Or, I will. Don't know when you came from-- [ No, thinking back on the time issues and differences just gives him a headache. ] But it's not like there's much else to do here but plan. We might actually have to take our time with it.
[ He adds a little disgusted look to the end of that, because taking time? Patience? Most of their plans were done in secret, at most days before their ploys. Granted, this was a little different, but if they had the time then who knew what they could accomplish. At the mention of Harry, James can't help but laugh - it's ridiculous, thinking that bloke's his son. ]
Can't really take credit for that, can I? Not unless you wanna talk about his dashing good looks, I didn't help with much of anything. [ Which, Merlin, how can he feel guilty about not being around to raise a kid he hasn't even had yet? How mental is that? ] Have you talked to him? Bloody serious, which makes sense with his whole 'ending the war' thing, but still.
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There's a reason I hate potions: I hate waiting.
[But it's an idle comment, more to try to reestablish something normal between them, something of their usual banter--better that then dwelling on the thought of all that time confusion.
And speaking of time confusion... as James starts in about Harry, Sirius pulls another face--though this one is slightly more pained than disgusted.]
Yeah, I talked to him. He looks like you all right, but he's not-- [He waves a hand at James, encompassing him.] He needs a girlfriend. And a drink. Maybe two. Perhaps that's what we're really here for, eh, taking care that your-- [Don't say son it's too weird] --that he gets a proper education in proper things. Marauder things.
[They can't really afford to get too distracted, not with so much to plan for--but then again, they are sort of trapped here, aren't they?]
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Then I guess we'll have to find something to distract ourselves with.
[ And maybe there's a hint of a smile with that comment, something that definitely feels more normal. More them. Plus, the wonder hasn't really worn of yet of this place - James still finds himself staring whenever he walks around, checking the network to see the other people. Everything is new and different and exciting, and if this is what he has - if this is all he has until they go home - he might as well enjoy it.
But Harry? Harry's an awkward topic. Awkward topic which means that James just wants to shrug it off but talk about it all at the same time. Sirius' face is twisted into something else, and for one reason or another James feels a tad defensive about it. ]
He seems nice enough. [ A laugh at the girlfriend comment, but yeah. That would probably help. ] He played Quidditch, apparently, so that's not failed him. And he's a Gryffindor, so it can't be too difficult to loosen him up, and then he'll fit right in. If he's not too old, of course.
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[And Sirius is going to call him a baby, age and behavior be damned. That's the way he'll deal with this, by forging fill speed ahead and teasing Harry as best as he can (no matter if he acts too old for it). After all, that's how affection and acceptance is best shown, right?]
What's he play in Quidditch? It's a pity the holly deck won't do a proper pitch, we could get him to play-- force Remus to confront his fears, see if Evans is any good...
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[ And James isn't going to think about years and dates because that will make this all seem concrete. Simply saying the future still leaves room for growth, change. Plus, James doesn't know if he even wants to think about dates at all - Harry's here, Harry needs to live a little, and he'll be damned if that bloke will remain as serious as he is today. ]
Seeker! [ And that makes him laugh a little, excited. ] Can you believe that? Says he was pretty good for a while there, before the war got bad. But what I wouldn't give for a pitch. Think we can fix one up? The holly decks might not work now but if we can figure out what kind of hex to use...they don't have brooms around here, do they? [ and there's that grin, just trying to imagine Remus up on a broom again. Evans playing quidditch. ] She'd probably be ruthless, but I say we give it a try. No harm in trying.
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Seeker. I can't believe any progeny of yours is coordinated enough to be a Seeker, I have to see this-- we'll get a pitch together and we'll look for brooms. Make a note, Potter. That's our new mission. That or we can just ask for brooms for Space Christmas. Now d'you think Evans will play as a Beater with me, she seems predisposed for that...
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Wicked, isn't it? Always knew I had it in my genes somewhere. Just a matter of it coming down through the line - pitch shouldn't be to difficult with how large this bloody ship is. But it's noted, Marauder's next mission is getting a game of quidditch to work in space. Quidditch, in space. [ And then just...laughter. ] I'd be terrified for my well being if we gave her a bat, honestly, but beyond that she'd probably be brilliant at it. As long as we can be sure she only goes after the other team.
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Nah, I'm sure it's Evans' genes doing that. She's far more graceful and coordinated and all. [A beat; he pulls a face. Complimenting Evans AND referencing the future, disgusting!] Don't tell her I said that. And don't tell her I'm the other Beater, please, or else I think she'll take the club to me instead, and we'll lose the Space Cup.
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Well apparently Lily's and my genes make a Seeker. Her coordination and my innate Quidditch talent. [ but oh ho ho he's keeping that moment for safe keeping and possibly bribery. ] Well she'll have to find out soon enough if we plan on having a match at all. And we can't lose the Space Cup, Pads. What will that say about our reputation?
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She won't have to find out at all, I'll do a disguise. False moustaches. Two of them at least. She'll never know. It's that or we lose the Space Cup, right, and our reputations will be forever tarnished! We never lose! Don't let your future wife ruin that for us!
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You might want to go with four, just to be safe. And a wig. She is quite clever, you know. [ see? complimenting lily is not that difficult sirius. ] But if we can get your adequately hidden, we'll have no issues at all. The Space Cup will be ours and we'll be space champions.
[ it's really quite sad that james would have no idea what the word 'intergalactic' means ]
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Are you joking, I'm not covering up myhair with a wig. There's no way, mate. Deprive the world of this? [A gesture toward what is--you have to admit it!--his really good hair. Complimenting Sirius is even easier. Go on.] I'll do the rest of it, though, for the Space Cup, and for the glory of Gryffindor and all.
Though I s'ppose that means we'll have to teach quidditch to the muggles in the first place. Won't that be interesting.
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This is for your safety, you know. [ Have an eyeroll for that hair flip, Sirius, because really. Really. ] For the glory of our house. For Gryffindor.
Ehh, I'm sure they'll pick it up easy enough. Get 'em a broom and a bat and they can pick up on the rest.
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[He pauses, for effect.]
--unsportsman. But I like it.
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[ James scoffs, appalled that Sirius would even think such a thing. ]
They'd hardly be unsuspecting. They'd have volunteered! Hopefully.
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